Wednesday, April 19, 2006

You, Drop That Penis and Come Out With Your Hands Up

On the way to work today I started thinking about some of the things that I've experienced over my lifetime... and I so need to write a book. For some reason, this one particular event popped into my mind this morning:

It took place about 5 years ago when I was living in San Diego. After a typical night of drinking & raising hell with the Navy SEALS @ Danny's Bar, a buddy of mine and I decided we wanted to take a trip to Imperial Beach and continue bar hopping. So, we call a friend (who happened to only be 19) to come and pick us up and play taxi.

She pulls up in front of the bar about 15 minutes later. I'm completely shit housed, and needed to piss. Did I walk back into the bar and handle that? Of course not. So we start out trip down a road known as the Silver Strand. About three minutes into the drives, my dick is about to explode. I tell her to pull over, so I can bleed the freak on the side of the road. She pulls over.

I take about 10 steps away from the car, on the side of the road... and start to pee. The feeling of relief is indescribable. Next thing I know... I hear a voice... and woman's voice...

Voice: "Excuse me..."
Me: (Still pissing) "Huh?"
Voice: "Turn around"
Me: (Turns around, dick in hand, still pissing) "Huh?"

There's a flashlight in my face... it's a fucking cop. A female cop. She tells me "Turn around and finish your business!!!" I turn around and finish my business. I then turn around, seemingly unaware that my dick is still in my hand...

Female Cop: "Will you put that thing away?"
Me: (Putting it away) "Sorry..."
Female Cop: "Get in the car..."
Me: "Which car? Your car?"
Female Cop: "No, your car.."

I head up to my friend's car and get in. She's freaked out. Scared shitless. Tears in her eyes. The cop approaches the driver's side window...

Female Cop: "What is going on here?"
Female Friend: "He had to pee... I'm sorry...."
Female Cop: "I need to see your license, registration and proof of insurance"
Female Friend: (Passes the requested items to the cop)
Male Friend: (Laughing his ass off)
Female Cop: "You're 19... have you been drinking tonight?"
Female Friend: "No, I don't drink. I'm his designated driver. I'm taking them to IB..."

Me: "She's just our ride!"
Female Cop: "Ok... I'm going to let it slide. But next time your friend needs to relieve himself, or vomit, or whatever it is he needs to do... please don't let him do it on the side of the road..."

Female Friend: "Ok ma'am, I won't. Thank you."
Female Cop: (Let's us go)
Me: (Laughing)
Female Friend: (Slaps me) "Asshole"

Looking back on this... I'm pretty lucky. The cop was a Coronado cop... and, trust me, they're fucking assholes. One of these days I'll you about the police standoff I caused at the bar... that's a night that will go down in infamy...

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