Wednesday, April 26, 2006

A Serious Note Today

Normally, I'm all about the joke. All about the laughs. All about the irony. Today is different. Why?

It all started with a chain letter... a simple, annoying fucking chain letter. An e-Petition, to be exact, asking for 500 signatures to try and stop the release of two killers that abducted and horribly tortured and murdered a toddler in Liverpool England -- James Bulger.

Now I'm not the type to buy into chain letters... in fact, one of my favorite things to do is debunk them and inform the send that they're a moron for believing it. I am well aware that the two killers were already released in 2001 and given new identities, so the e-Petition would be useless anyway.

But I made the mistake that has been haunting me all damn morning: I dug deeper into the details of the actual case. What these two 10 year old boys did to this 2 year old is beyond fucking horrible. The fucking details... just stick in my head. I associate this poor little boy with my own 3 year old boy.

The part that really kills me... is that so many people (38 to be exact) saw these two kids walking with James... they saw him crying... they saw one of the boys kick him in the ribs... they saw the horrible bruise on his head... they saw him bleeding... and not one person did a fucking thing about it... 38 fucking people and not ONE did anything! An innocent little child... who never harmed a soul... too little to fight... to little to cry out and say "Help me!"... and no one did a god damn thing about it.

I'm not going to get into all the details of who saw what... or what, exactly, they did to this poor child. A simple search for "James Bulger" on Google will lead you to the details. I don't recommend reading them. I can't get this little boys face out of my head.

I don't know how many people read this blog... shit, I don't know if ANYONE reads this blog... but if you do... if you're reading this right now... please... I beg you... have the balls to do something if you see something that doesn't look right... if something inside you says, "This is not right..." If even ONE person had done that 13 years ago, James might be celebrating his 16th birthday this year. And if you have children... watch them. For crying out fucking loud WATCH THEM. Don't turn your back on them for a second, especially in a crowded place. All it took was a moment of James' mom turning her back, for this trusting little boy to accept the hand of a killer... this was captured by one of the malls security cameras... that image is now forever burned in my memory.

I wish I could get this little boy out of my head. Even moreso, I wish someone would lock me in a room with the two pieces of shit that took his life away. Reformed or not, I would tear them apart piece by fucking piece.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

You, Drop That Penis and Come Out With Your Hands Up

On the way to work today I started thinking about some of the things that I've experienced over my lifetime... and I so need to write a book. For some reason, this one particular event popped into my mind this morning:

It took place about 5 years ago when I was living in San Diego. After a typical night of drinking & raising hell with the Navy SEALS @ Danny's Bar, a buddy of mine and I decided we wanted to take a trip to Imperial Beach and continue bar hopping. So, we call a friend (who happened to only be 19) to come and pick us up and play taxi.

She pulls up in front of the bar about 15 minutes later. I'm completely shit housed, and needed to piss. Did I walk back into the bar and handle that? Of course not. So we start out trip down a road known as the Silver Strand. About three minutes into the drives, my dick is about to explode. I tell her to pull over, so I can bleed the freak on the side of the road. She pulls over.

I take about 10 steps away from the car, on the side of the road... and start to pee. The feeling of relief is indescribable. Next thing I know... I hear a voice... and woman's voice...

Voice: "Excuse me..."
Me: (Still pissing) "Huh?"
Voice: "Turn around"
Me: (Turns around, dick in hand, still pissing) "Huh?"

There's a flashlight in my face... it's a fucking cop. A female cop. She tells me "Turn around and finish your business!!!" I turn around and finish my business. I then turn around, seemingly unaware that my dick is still in my hand...

Female Cop: "Will you put that thing away?"
Me: (Putting it away) "Sorry..."
Female Cop: "Get in the car..."
Me: "Which car? Your car?"
Female Cop: "No, your car.."

I head up to my friend's car and get in. She's freaked out. Scared shitless. Tears in her eyes. The cop approaches the driver's side window...

Female Cop: "What is going on here?"
Female Friend: "He had to pee... I'm sorry...."
Female Cop: "I need to see your license, registration and proof of insurance"
Female Friend: (Passes the requested items to the cop)
Male Friend: (Laughing his ass off)
Female Cop: "You're 19... have you been drinking tonight?"
Female Friend: "No, I don't drink. I'm his designated driver. I'm taking them to IB..."

Me: "She's just our ride!"
Female Cop: "Ok... I'm going to let it slide. But next time your friend needs to relieve himself, or vomit, or whatever it is he needs to do... please don't let him do it on the side of the road..."

Female Friend: "Ok ma'am, I won't. Thank you."
Female Cop: (Let's us go)
Me: (Laughing)
Female Friend: (Slaps me) "Asshole"

Looking back on this... I'm pretty lucky. The cop was a Coronado cop... and, trust me, they're fucking assholes. One of these days I'll you about the police standoff I caused at the bar... that's a night that will go down in infamy...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Let God Sort 'Em Out

Remember that line from back in the day, "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out"? That's pretty much the opinion I've got on these sick fucks that hurt kids. I think they should feed his ass to starving wild pigs. Fucking cannibal.

And then, of course, there's the toddler killed by a stray bullet in NY. I hope they catch the piece of shit responsible. Here's an idea... let's feed the shooter to the cannibal... and then feed the cannibal to the pigs. Now THAT is a good use of tax dollars!!!! You know what's just as bad as this incident happening in the first place? The fact that someone out there knows something and isn't saying shit. I wonder if they're wear a "Stop Snitchin'" shirt. That's another thing that's pissing me off about the world today. Stop snitchin'. Stop doing shit you're not supposed to be doing and you wouldn't have to worry about anyone snitchin' in the first place.

Don't get me wrong... I'm far from innocent. I admit it. But I've never killed an innocent kid... or ate one... or sold drugs to one... etc etc. Stop snitchin'. I think I'm going to create my own clothing line:

Stop Shootin'
Stop Dealin'
Stop Rapin'
Stop Killin'
Stop Robbin'
Stop Eatin' People

Stop Bein' Such A Damn Pussy and Take a Stand. I think that's my favorite.

Friday, April 14, 2006


I just verified on another machine that KB908531 does, in fact, cause Application Hangs within Office XP. For all of those out there that give a shit ha ha

KB908531 vs Microsoft Office XP

You heard it here first, folks:

Microsoft Security Update KB908531 has an adverse affect on Office XP. This is my theory, anyway (which I will verify by Monday). I just wanted to get this bitch timestamped, cause I found it first damn it!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sperm Donor?

Thinking about donating some of your little white commandos? Read this

The Perfect Hickey

Remember back in grade school, when the less popular kids would put vacuum cleaner hoses to their neck to give themselves hickeys so people would think they got some action from little Suzy (Ok, some of you did this all throughout college... that's ok)? Well I, inadvertently mind you, discovered a better way to give yourself the perfect hickey...

It all started at 6:15am this morning. I crawled my still-sleeping ass out of bed and stumbled into the shower. After washing the 2.5lbs of crust from my eyes, I looked in the little shower mirror and said to myself, "You look like Andre Agassi with a drinking problem. You need to shave." I grabbed my Gillette Fusion razor & realized it's been a while since I've changed the blade. This thing was dull. DULL. So, change the blade right? Wrong. The new blades are still sitting in the kitchen where I left them. If you think I'm going to hop my wet naked ass out of the warm shower and go streaking through the cold ass house to get some fucking razors you're sadly mistaken. I said fuck it, I'm a real man, I'll use the dull razor.

All was going well until I got to the neck. That damn razor tore every last bit of hair out with a vengeance. Leaving a perfect hickey right below my Adam's Apple.

Now fast forward to 8:05am... right now, actually, sitting here at work... with a fucking hickey looking wound on my neck for the corporate world to see.

Do I admit my shaving mishap? Or do I stick with that story of that poor Latina hottie on the side of the road...

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Cherry No More

Today I did it. I have been resisting for a while... just saying "no" when the opportunity arose... and I found myself in the situation... yes... today I lost my blog virginity. And Christ, it hurts.

I'm trying to figure out why people are so addicted to this shit. Remember the last Presidential election? All you'd hear on the news that night was, "Let's go to the bloggers". Fuck the analysts... ask the bloggers!

Well, political bloggers may have a lot to blog about. Guess what... I don't. I guess I can tell you about my morning and how my wife threatened to flush my dick down the toilet next time I didn't flush my midnight piss. Personally, I think hearing about a potentially flushed dick is far more exciting than politics anyway.

I guess I can also tell you that I just spelled checked this fucking thing because I had spelled analysts wrong... and the Blogger spell checker doesn't recognize the word "blog" or "blogger". Now that's entertainment.